May 29, 2017 Boxing up my life
I’m boxing up my life. The life I’ve collected for the past 9 years. Some of the time it feels freeing. Like I am de-cluttering and untangled from so much. Some of it is hard to put behind me. From either too much love or to little love.
As I pack up the love along with the hurt it all mixes together. The love though, always pushes the boxes of sadness, anxiety, and misunderstanding that’s happened throughout the years aside. This house nurtured key parts of me and ignored other parts of me. Can I let it all go with calmness? With love? With gratitude? Every home deals with what we’ve dealt with- some of the best and worst times in our marriage happened in this home. But I feel like it protected us and brought us back to each other time and again. It let us shelter ourselves in on hard days and enjoy it’s outside adventures on good days.
As I told Porter and Beckett that it is our last night here we decided to talk about our favorite memories in this house. When the conversation started to wind down Porter said, “Mom I’ll probably cry when we leave this house.” I said, “Me too.” Then we both started to cry. We have the same sensitive heart. I can feel in Porter my same sentimentality for life-our life. So, we cried and hugged over this coming change. We kissed our walls. Tonight-together- change felt impossibly hard. I am giving up predictability to better feel life. Not knowing is our home now.
I tucked the boys in tonight knowing it is the last time in these bedrooms. I looked around at the scattered toys and metal bed frame and the years felt like they had slipped by. It seems endless when I think of the nights we brushed teeth and told bedtime stories. How many nights I closed this bedroom door and let out a big sigh from the day. You can never remember the beginning of things but you always remember the end. Tonight it’s not goodbye but simply goodnight.