Apr 24, 2017 How cancer can slip into life
If you’re not an animal lover I suggest you skip this post. Some of us are pet people, some of us are not, I am a huge pet person. So, I am speaking to those of you who are pet people. That have pets that melt you. You literally understand their personalities . You can see when they are uncomfortable, nervous, unsure, or feeling guilty – because you haven’t found that loaf of bread they ate off the counter yet. I threaten Derek regularly that I am going to volunteer at an animal shelter. He gets all wide eyed and panicky because he knows that I will literally take home as many animals as possible. I know it too. I am going to have a house full of quirky, lovable, and sporadic pets.
It would probably be the same scenario if I started to visit orphanages. I’d end up with a house full of kids. So, just know that if you ever come to my house there will most likely be a lot of dogs in here. I know Derek is relieved to be living on the road for a year, for the very fact that I can’t start collecting my farm yet!
My very first baby is a Rhodesian Ridgeback dog. She came to me on plane from California. I remember pulling up to the terminal loading dock and watching her giant dog crate slide down. Derek and I were beyond excited to open that carrier and meet our puppy. We were both prepped, on either side of the cage, incase she decided to make a run for it when we opened the door.
We opened the door in full anticipation of a bounding puppy leaping out at us. she was completely glued to the back of kennel. Trying as hard as she could to melt into the kennel wall itself. I had to go in on my hands and knees and lovingly pet her. This is where we made our first introductions. Then I literally dragged her out of the kennel so she could sit with me in the back seat of the car. Little did I realize this was the first glimpse into the calm, cautious, and thoughtful personality that she has.
This is my Deja. My baby. The dog that is not allowed on furniture but snuggles me to death in bed every night that Derek is out of town. She is my comfort. The person who is always happiest to see me. I embarrassingly admit that I am “that dog mom” who made birthday cakes, puppy graduations, and annoyingly sent out family video texts of her chewing her bone…like it is the cutest thing you have ever seen.
Two weeks ago we found out that she has cancer. An aggressive, fast moving, and inoperable cancer. This year has been filled with so much excitement but tonight as I gave her her chemo and watched her crawl into her bed I burst into tears. She has become this solid part of my life and family. She shows me the patience that the rest of the world never has. The tail wagging excitement that makes me feel like I matter. Needless to say my heart has been slowly breaking down each day as I realize her life is passing me by and that I can’t image what my family will look like with out her. It feels like each pet is perfectly made to fill in the gaps that are missing in your home life and I am not ready for her space to be empty.
I lovingly acknowledge the life that I see in those brown eyes. My heart is slowly breaking over losing her and I don’t know how to adequately express it to her. I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want to let her go. There are many daily moments that make up our home and we just follow the flow of those day in and day out. My daily moments when she is with me in the middle of the night as I check to make sure the house is locked up. Deja regularly licking all the baby food off Wren’s face, her helpless to stop it.
That first day home, where she doesn’t come to greet me, tail wagging is not a day I feel like I can emotionally handle. It’s hard when you feel like something is yours and you have no say in whether it gets to stay or go. So I am trying to figure out how to close these last 8 years I’ve had with her. This is me over my dog-image how intense I get over other relationships! Derek better not die before me because I image that would be the worlds most depressing blog post ever!!! I guess you could call this blog therapy?