old life for sale

Our home is officially on the market. We moved in as barely 3 and are leaving completed as 5 – 5 years later. As I think of my summers living wild, brown, and barefoot among my trees I am happy to realize that I feel relaxed with letting the house go.

I know where the blow snake lives out front in the rock wall; which he suns himself on daily. The two raccoons that regularly sneak into my bin of chicken feed. The smooth distinct sound the door off the kitchen makes as the boys come in and out all day long.

This move is different in that I am downsizing a lot in my life. Really assessing what is necessary and what has just been clutter. I keep wondering once I strip away property, ownership, and my regular hobbies -who am I really? All the things that I regularly identify with will be different this year and honestly I am not sure who I am at my core once all of my comforts are left behind. To discover me I need to develop an independent relationship with myself. I need to gain experience in my private personal world. Dependent from friends, family, and community. It is in this world, alone that I will find my personal worth. I am going to go out and embrace the world because I know it will embrace me back and maybe give me another piece of myself.

I hope my children learn the world isn’t different from them, but that they’re unique in the world. I knew that I would always be outside the box as a parent. I’ve worked hard to create a world of magical thinking for them. I hope someday they recognize the effort and benefit of my parenting style. Packing up I found something I wrote 2 years before I became a mom. It reads:

“You will be born and might never experience – emotionally or physically – some of the world’s brutalities and harsh realities. We will create for you a world above that. Please recognize that and please be better for the world because you are born. “ 4.28.2009

 

I feel myself running towards these last few months with arms wide open. I want to answer the questions in my heart about my work, my relationships, and my spirituality. As things get figured out I think I will no longer feel like I am falling but flying.

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